By Dan MacNeal
If I woke up tomorrow morning as Ruben Amaro, Jr. and GM of the Phillies I’d have a list of what I could do to help the Phillies in one day. First, if I was Amaro, I’d be going to President David Montgomery’s office (probably find him sleeping, nestled with his World Series ring) and login to his e-mail and delete the tens of thousands of e-mails asking for me to be fired. Most likely, ol’ Monty doesn’t know how to use e-mail, but I might as well as delete them just in case.
Nice suit, Danny Mac!
Secondly, I’d go down to the locker room and put a wooden chair in front of Danys Baez’s locker, and force him to kick it. Not talking about one of those weak “I’ll knock the chair down kicks”; I mean a wind up and boot that sucker like a “David Akers trying to nail a 55 yarder to win the game” kick. Then I’d call up whoever from the Iron Pigs, doesn’t matter who it is.
After I have finished with Baez, I’d find Greg Dobbs whiffing while trying to hit off a tee. Time to cut bait with him. Calling up Jason Donald in his place. Oh, we traded him? Cripes, do we have any decent talent semi-ready for the big leagues? No? Can I still put in a phone call to Nomar? Ok, ok, I’m kidding. Red rover, red rover send Cody Ransom over….I guess. Not many options with that one. Chuck, keep him glued to the bench until I can trade away a prospect for another journeyman infielder.
Matter of fact, I’m letting everyone in the organization know to not let me do anything involving prospects from here on out. Dominic Brown must be protected from my destruction. After that memo is sent out, I’m going to ask Jayson Werth’s agent to grab a bite with me. Wherever he wants, price is no object. Hopefully I can use this little slump to my advantage for negotiations. How sneaky am I?!?
As for Mr. Ibanez, well fans of the team that won the NL that I built (okay, I know Gillick did most of the work but still), it seems there is nothing really I can do at this point. Maybe if this was next year and Dom Brown was destroying AAA, putting Ibanez into a bench role would be alright. No, friends, we may have to ride this one out and hope Rauuuuuulll remembers how to hit. Only if those sneaky Giants didn’t sign Pat Burrell! Damn, we thought by doing nothing to sign him for two weeks, we’d be able to snatch him up easier! Damn you, Brian Sabien! Who do you think you are?!?
I think next, I’ll head down to McFadden’s and try some of their famous nachos (and you thought this post wouldn’t have nachos in it!!) After that, I’ll spend the rest of my day praying that Halladay’s arm doesn’t fall off until after I’m gone. If I’m gone, it’s Proefrock’s problem, not mine!
And now, it’s time to wake up. Boy, listening to McCarthy and Wheels drone on just put me to sleep…wow, dreaming I was GM of the Phils, wow, what a dream. Or was it…?
This blog post is satire, obviously I do know being a major league GM is hard work and you can’t always listen to the fans or you’ll end up sitting with them (as the old saying goes). Just having a little fun at Rube’s expense.