The staff of TTB loves baseball (no really, we do!). But none of us ever will play professional baseball and a few of us play competitive softball. But hey, one can dream right?
Here is the TTB staff put in a batting order and positions if we were an actual team. We only have eight writers so pitching for us will be Roy Halladay.
The last time TTB posted a fantasy line up, it didn’t go over too well. Hopefully this time around we won’t offend anyone.
SS -Brian Jacobs: The true lead off (take note, J-Roll). Jacobs is a guaranteed line drive hitter and has good speed coming out of the box. On the bases, he can get himself into scoring position or go first to third as good as the pros. He’s also a short stop at heart with a cannon of an arm. But you can’t stick him in the out field. His Aaron Rowand-like defense has cost his teams runs by diving early and crashing into anyone or anything in his way of making the spectacular catch.
2B – Dan MacNeal: He’s Placido Polanco down to the Pitbull walk-up music and passion to play 2B. MacNeal has deceptive speed and can give you 25 steals a year… despite having a .35% stolen base percentage. He’s currently riding a 45-game hitting streak and is chasing Joe DiMaggio. But where his patented base hit up the middle is his cup of tea, he fields like a cripple and has the arm of a four-year-old. Can’t put him in RF because of the noodle arm so we stick him at second and hope the ball bounces off him in the direction of first base.
C – Tiffany Steele: Steele is the perfect three hitter (and has the best baseball name on the team). She has the best stroke on the team (no pun intended) and is the only person who resembles an athlete. Her quick reflexes behind the plate and stellar arm make her the best defensive catcher in the league. She handles the breaking balls in the dirt exceptionally well and has no problem with contact at the plate. Her only weakness: her mouth. She’s usually ejected in the 2nd or 3rd inning after a profanity-laced argument with the home plate umpire over balls and strikes or home staring at her ass.
3B – John Russo: The right-handed power bat of the team, Russo is the real life version of Pedro Cerano… he can hit the ball a mile but he can’t hit the curve ball. But not only is he a good fastball hitter, he’s good at working the count and taking advantage of the bad pitches he gets (take notes, Ryan Howard). His fielding is on par with the rest of the hot corner players. He has a strong accurate arm but not the greatest glove on hard-hit balls. Also not the fastest runner. He once stretched a triple into a single.
LF – Allison Stackhouse: Russo needs a power hitter to protect him in the line up. And that source of power comes from Stackhouse. She can hit the ball a mile like Adam Dunn. But like the White Sox slugger, she will strike out 200 times a season. Stackhouse also suffers from “I play in the freakin’ NL-itis” where she’d best serve as a designated hitter. But here at TTB, we believe the DH isn’t real baseball and that a pitcher should have to hit (sorry Doc) so Stacks has to suck it up and plays LF.
1B – Ickey Bengel: Bengel is a weak-hitting first baseman who will give you a .270 average. But he’s got a steady glove and won’t let anything get past him. His defense is the sole reason he cracked our starting line up. He is also the token red-head of the team (at TTB, we feel diversity is the most important part to a successful franchise). Bengel may not be the best hitter but at least he will go down swinging.
CF – Brian McCollum: If Rick Ankiel had a doppleganger, it’s McCollum. The pitcher-turned-center fielder is the team’s only switch-hitter. He’s the speed our team needs in the bottom third of the order. He’s got a laser arm in center field and has some pop in his bat. But he tends to pop up a lot because he thinks he has more power than he does. He also begs the manager every fifth day if he could pitch because he still thinks he’s got it.
SP – Roy Halladay: This guy is good, I swear! And he’s a better hitter than the guy in the nine-spot.
RF – Christian Hetrick: Hetrick is going to be the Ruben Amaro of the squad. He sucks as a baseball player but he’s got the mind of a baseball genius. He may not hit the ball well or throw the ball well and we stuck him in right field because his arm is still better than MacNeal’s but he’s got heart, only the type of heart “The Natural” would have. But his best career accolades won’t come on the field. One day he will either manage a team to four World Series titles or trade for three aces in the span of 16 months, trade one away and still manage to sign him for less money than the Yankees.