Batter Batter Swing

Ever since I got to know “The Nanny,” I have been nagging her to write a post for me on Team to Beat as a guest spot. And she has always been interested but incredibly busy. A month ago, I decided to officially make her a member of TTB and get her to add some satire and comedy to a usually dry blog. She reached out to me the other day and had a great idea for a post. I got it in my inbox and I fell in love with the piece. She’s a handful, guys. Enjoy!

-John Russo

As my inaugural post on Team to Beat, I’m about to be a total chick and rank the dudes in my life as if I were Charlie putting together the batting line-up. To give you a better identity of my line up, I’m going to identify each man in my life as a Phillie.

Jimmy Rollins – My lead off hitter this week is insanely sexy. However, I fear he doesn’t have the speed to steal second base if given the chance anymore. He’s definitely not a power hitter (I’ve heard through the grapevine) but every time I’m in his presence, I want to get naked and jump his…steal his base.

Placido Polanco – Batting second on the Nanny’s dating potentials, is a man my friends have nicknamed “Old Balls.” Yes, my friends are evil and though this dude is not much older than me, he’s been around the block a few times and married several. He buys me cool presents and takes me to nice restaurants, but I have not allowed him to make contact since it’s rare for a number two to be a power hitter.

Chase Utley – My power hitter is a very large Italian man who is jacked up and fabulous. He’s gorgeous and his baseball bat is insanely large, but what do I know? I know that there’s a giant bulge in his pants when I’m in his presence and he’s attempted contact every time we have been together. Do you blame him? He’s the most successful out of the line-up and his .300 batting average makes me a little weak in the knees. He compliments me constantly, but my instincts scream “PLAYER.” I’m still intrigued by this home run hitter so I may tease him till he hits a grand slam.

Ryan Howard – The clean up guy. He’s a fantastic kisser, but he’s a little sloppy with the tongue. Usually I avoid his calls because frankly he calls too much, but then there are times I feel bad for not giving him a better chance. I would like to see him drive home my lead off hitter and “Old Balls” but he’s been a little inconsistent lately.

Raul Ibanez – Last weekend, I spent some quality time with my number five, but he’s not as powerful as I had assumed. “Number 5 is still alive!” Should my clean up guy strike out, he’s pretty much getting sent down to the minors. I keep dude around basically for his bad ass Flyers tickets, but now that the season is complete, I’m perfectly happy with my row 23’s.

Shane Victorino – The number six dude is my mediocre hitter, he likes the line drives, but he’s known to hit a pop up when the bases are loaded. He can’t quite hit those curve balls but if he makes contact on a fast ball, I’m in trouble.

Ben Francisco and Dane Sardinha – Numbers seven and eight are only hanging around because one is a great running buddy while the other’s brother is dating my best friend. I pretend to like them but sometimes I’d rather tell them to stop being pussies. They’re lazy and with a .200 average, I’ll allow them to hang around a little while longer. I need some more rookies with big sch-longs (DOM BROWN!).

Cole Hamels – My most important hitter in the line-up is an absolute metrosexual. He takes longer than me to get ready and he’s a pansy when it comes to everything. If anyone ever picked a fight with him, he’d probably cry. He’s an absolutely horrible batter, but he’s so super nice. His looks lack and he could stand to lose a good 20 lbs, but we’ll keep around for his bunting skills.

Now, don’t misread me as being a raging whore. I’m simply ranking the men in line for the Nanny. I’m a picky bitch and I definitely dig the long ball, but there will be no nakedness until I start seeing some hits.

14 thoughts on “Batter Batter Swing

  1. Anonymous

    Are you serious with this? I thought this was actually a decent blog until I saw this garbage. Isn’t this website supposed to be bringing people information about baseball and not about how “sexy” the players are? I’m extremely disappointed.

    1. No where did she call any players sexy. Oh well

  2. Tiffany

    Thank you for reading 😀

  3. another anonymous

    As much as I know you will disagree John, I have to agree with Mr. Anonymous. I like this blog a lot because it is one of the more serious ones and provides good news updates on the Phillies. I’m not going to stop reading your blog, but personally I prefer cut and dry facts, game stories, news stories, and the columns here, not whatever this is.

    Hope this doesn’t become a regular thing, and i hope you take my comment seriouslly

    1. I appreciate your readership to the site, I really do. But I will stand by my writer on this one.

      As I was reading it, I knew it was pushing the envelope and was something I have never introduced to this site. I knew I was running the risk of upsetting some readers, which I would never want to do. I will definitely keep a comment like this in mind the next time we go for a completely satirical, funny and loose post in order to minimize the offensive nature and keep the fun good and clean.

      “The Nanny” is in fact a wonderful person and this post does not represent her as a “whore” or anything the post suggests. She just likes to push the envelope as well as seen in her tweets on Twitter.

      Thank you again for your time and I hope you continue to read and enjoy our blog.

  4. Natalie

    Hey Tiff (& John),
    LOVED IT. Need I say more?

    Let’s go purchase some more Vuitton and discuss tomorrow’s lineups over bellinis, shall we?


  5. Yet another anonymous

    This is an absolute disgrace to a blog that I thought was good. All of the usual writers do a great job to keep this blog running, however this was even worse then the post by the other girl. Anyone who thinks this is a good ‘blog’ post is only a friend of yours who won’t tell you the truth. I’ll be thinking twice before I read your blog again knowing this is the type of stuff you’ll resort to to gain readers.

  6. anonymous

    I’ve never read this blog but I stumbled upon this randomly.. Just thought I’d give an honest opinion about this post so do what you want with it. To me this is just an amazingly self-indulgant post by an old chick trying to desperately cling to a prime that left her long ago. For some reason she feels the need to share all of her sexual conquests with the world, perhaps to make her feel a little better about herself? I’m not sure but I’ve been following her on twitter for a while for the sole purpose of laughing at her when she calls herself hot and I’ve noticed that she thrives off of attention from guys who are desperate and stupid enough to give it to her and this makes me kind of sad for those guys. And guys like this make me kind of ashamed to be a guy. If it wasn’t for guys like this Tiff’s ego and self-esteem would be in the basement, but I’m not too worried cause it’s bound to happen soon – she’s got about 7 minutes left. She constantly claims that guys like drool all over her or whatever and that guys are totally obsessed with her, and after thinking about it I’ve come up with 2 theories: she just says that cause she’s trying to convince others of the prettiness she severely lacks OR guys actually do, and if you’re one of those guys you need to get yourself together and maybe find some self-respect while you’re at it.
    So, to recap, I’m not attacking your blog at all so don’t get the wrong idea. I’m attacking girls who think they’re hot that constantly flaunt themselves onto others in hopes for some attention as well as the men willing to give such girls attention.
    Oh, and for the record, I’m listed as anonymous here not because I’d be worried about her finding who actually wrote this but because I’m embarrassed I actually wasted time thinking about this girl/giving her her daily dose of attention.

  7. Amy

    I love you Tiff! you have a great sense of humor and was able to incorporate it into something we all love…baseball. Those hating on her post need to get a grip. it’s not that serious & you honestly need to lighten up. I get everyone is all about baseball & stats & players doing good/bad, etc but to trash a blog because they posting something YOU dislike is ridiculous. most people blog cause they love to write. they blog cause they can express what they’re feeling at that very moment. yes, you’re entitles to your opinion that this may not be a great posting but guess what? noone is forcing u to continue to read it. but in reality, I guarantee that a majority of the people hating on it will faithfully check the blog everyday cause in turn u really do like it…ur just too busy playing follow the leader and disliking everything everyone else in your circle does just to fit in. the end. 🙂

  8. tiff

    Thanks guys. It means a lot that you would think of me. I’m so blessed to have people who love me.
    Oh I better go, only 7 mins left to steal your boyfriends…

  9. Brian McCollum

    LOL at the “Holier Than Thou” mindset these anons have. You think you are so high and mighty? Get off your high horses. HAHAHA. I loved that bit on Hamels. I suggest the anons remove the sticks from up their collected butts and live a little.

  10. Anonymously Tremendous and Tremendously Anonymous

    I love how the nobodies of nobody come out just when someone has put their all into something like a great blog such as Tiff’s here.

    Gutlessly anonymous #1 and gutlessly anonymous #2…. well however many of you jabronis that are hiding, grow a set and take some time out of your day to either go out and discover sunlight for the first time in your life, find someone special in your life… or whatever you consider to be a life or oh oh here is a good one…. how about you write a blog about something you are really into and Tiff, myself and a few others will come on over to completely lay into you because we have nothing better to do with our lives!!

    Well we do but you don’t.

    So anyway, good job Tiff! As for the Assnonymous’ well come out of the shadows you cowards.

    Yours sincerely,
    Well, you know who I am 🙂

  11. Ange

    If I can be honest (but I’ll actually post my name), I have never read your blog. But with all the controversy surrounding this post, I figured hell I’m newsy and I love a good twitter war so let me see what all the fuss is about. I searched for it almost certain that I would hate it thinking if the entire internet was bitching she surely had to write in graphic detail about a fantasy to bang Chase Utley. I was pleasantly surprised when it obviously wasn’t that and I don’t see an issue with it, at all. She was funny, she made her love life and baseball connect in a way I’m sure a lot of women could. She wrote what I’m sure half the people bitching about it think in their heads. Why anyone cares otherwise is beyond me. Being part of a blog that took a lot of heat when we published a post ranking players asses I feel like some other female presence needed to defend her. All she did was write a funny little ranking series of men in her life. Why this is causing such a back lash is insane to me, but women are catty so it isn’t surprising (I’m assuming it is women, because I doubt a man would care). Sometimes the stats get overwhelming and the losses hurt bad and I think it’s nice to have a little laugh. I think she gave most of your readers just that. And for everyone else, screw ’em, they just need something to bitch about.

    1. Thanks Ange. I learned since that post last year that it’s okay for a blog to stray from the trail once in a while and go into uncharted waters. Too bad the rest of the world doesn’t feel that way.

      Fortunately, this will blow over in a day or two and people will go back to seeing the recaps and news and not the negative stuff.

      Thanks for taking the time to read the post before making a rash opinion.

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