Ever since I got to know “The Nanny,” I have been nagging her to write a post for me on Team to Beat as a guest spot. And she has always been interested but incredibly busy. A month ago, I decided to officially make her a member of TTB and get her to add some satire and comedy to a usually dry blog. She reached out to me the other day and had a great idea for a post. I got it in my inbox and I fell in love with the piece. She’s a handful, guys. Enjoy!
As my inaugural post on Team to Beat, I’m about to be a total chick and rank the dudes in my life as if I were Charlie putting together the batting line-up. To give you a better identity of my line up, I’m going to identify each man in my life as a Phillie.
Jimmy Rollins – My lead off hitter this week is insanely sexy. However, I fear he doesn’t have the speed to steal second base if given the chance anymore. He’s definitely not a power hitter (I’ve heard through the grapevine) but every time I’m in his presence, I want to get naked and jump his…steal his base.
Placido Polanco – Batting second on the Nanny’s dating potentials, is a man my friends have nicknamed “Old Balls.” Yes, my friends are evil and though this dude is not much older than me, he’s been around the block a few times and married several. He buys me cool presents and takes me to nice restaurants, but I have not allowed him to make contact since it’s rare for a number two to be a power hitter.
Chase Utley – My power hitter is a very large Italian man who is jacked up and fabulous. He’s gorgeous and his baseball bat is insanely large, but what do I know? I know that there’s a giant bulge in his pants when I’m in his presence and he’s attempted contact every time we have been together. Do you blame him? He’s the most successful out of the line-up and his .300 batting average makes me a little weak in the knees. He compliments me constantly, but my instincts scream “PLAYER.” I’m still intrigued by this home run hitter so I may tease him till he hits a grand slam.
Ryan Howard – The clean up guy. He’s a fantastic kisser, but he’s a little sloppy with the tongue. Usually I avoid his calls because frankly he calls too much, but then there are times I feel bad for not giving him a better chance. I would like to see him drive home my lead off hitter and “Old Balls” but he’s been a little inconsistent lately.
Raul Ibanez – Last weekend, I spent some quality time with my number five, but he’s not as powerful as I had assumed. “Number 5 is still alive!” Should my clean up guy strike out, he’s pretty much getting sent down to the minors. I keep dude around basically for his bad ass Flyers tickets, but now that the season is complete, I’m perfectly happy with my row 23’s.
Shane Victorino – The number six dude is my mediocre hitter, he likes the line drives, but he’s known to hit a pop up when the bases are loaded. He can’t quite hit those curve balls but if he makes contact on a fast ball, I’m in trouble.
Ben Francisco and Dane Sardinha – Numbers seven and eight are only hanging around because one is a great running buddy while the other’s brother is dating my best friend. I pretend to like them but sometimes I’d rather tell them to stop being pussies. They’re lazy and with a .200 average, I’ll allow them to hang around a little while longer. I need some more rookies with big sch-longs (DOM BROWN!).
Cole Hamels – My most important hitter in the line-up is an absolute metrosexual. He takes longer than me to get ready and he’s a pansy when it comes to everything. If anyone ever picked a fight with him, he’d probably cry. He’s an absolutely horrible batter, but he’s so super nice. His looks lack and he could stand to lose a good 20 lbs, but we’ll keep around for his bunting skills.
Now, don’t misread me as being a raging whore. I’m simply ranking the men in line for the Nanny. I’m a picky bitch and I definitely dig the long ball, but there will be no nakedness until I start seeing some hits.