Who is behind the awesome Twitter account known to many as @SuspendedNanny? Some know her personally and others just know her as that crazy chick who tweets pictures of her boots, says her boobs are awesome and would like to do dirty things to Jeff Carter.
But she’s more than just 140 characters. Like all cool people, she has a name; Tiffany. She has season tickets to the Phillies, Flyers and Eagles and she absolutely loves her Philly teams. She’s a house nanny and she’s her own boss, in charge of the life she lives.
I had the pleasure of getting her drunk on wine and having a one-on-one – not that way you pervs! – and let you into her awesome little world.
John Russo: How long have you had your season tickets for the Phillies, Eagles and Flyers?
Suspended Nanny: Since I was 10-years-old.
JR: So where did your obsession with boots start?
SN: I’ve been an equestrian since I was 6-years-old, so riding horses is the what turned me on to boots. Then I realized how badass a pair of sexy boots and jean looked and I was rocking the style before it was sexy.
JR: Do you have any Philly themed boots or want a pair?
SN: I have red boots for the Phillies and I always wear black ones with the Flyers, but I need a hot pair of silver or green Eagles boots and if the Sixers start playing like a bomb squad, I’ll wear a pair of blue thigh highs.
JR: Who is your favorite Philly athlete and why?
SN: Ron Hextall. His intensity, his drive, his ability to make everyone fear him no matter what his size. The only goalie to score a goal in a playoff game and a badass mo-fo.
JR: How about Phillie?
SN: I’ve had a recent change in my Phillies love. I’ve fallen for Chooch. He’s amazing. I’ve never seen someone play with as much heart as him. I’ve never thought of a player and actually got goosebumps when I think about the way he throws himself in front of the plate to block a run.
JR: Who did he steal your heart from?
SN: I grew up watching Lenny Dykstra, the Dude, I mean…how could any kid NOT love that man. I use to stuff my mouth with Big League chew on the softball fields to pretend I was like him
JR: And now he’s banging hookers and bouncing checks.
SN: What would you do if the only thing you ever knew how to do (baseball) was ripped away from you? I flipped the script, I do whatever I want, remember?
JR: Hey, you’re the boss… To answer your question I guess I’d bang some hookers and bounce some checks
SN: After crashing your Benz with you and your best friend? I’d be banging hookers and a lot more… in boots… stiletto boots.
JR: Okay, I’m taking control of my damn interview again.
SN: Grow some. Do it.
JR: Let’s say you were hypothetically on a date with Pat Burrell and in the middle of the horizontal mambo, he stops, looks at you and says “How does it feel to have sex with Pat Burrell?” What do you say?
SN: “It’s like banging Lenny but with a World Series ring and no DUI’s.” Wait. I like Pat’s butt. He’s way hot and I would totally bang him, if he passed an STD test and background check. I don’t let just anyone try on these boots, ya know?
JR: Going back to this Dykstra crush, wouldn’t the fear of steroids shrinking his nards have mattered?
SN: Absolutely! I would have pulled down his pants and laughed because… well… who doesn’t laugh at raisin balls? But I was 10 years old, so a Phillies crush was drawing Tiffany Dykstra in hearts on my Catholic school folders.
JR: Any of the nuns find the folders and beat you with a ruler over fantasizing about someone as unholy as him?
SN: No, but one time I got a detention for eating a bag of Communion cookies while I was waiting to get reprimanded for beating up a boy on the playground.
JR: And why did you beat him up?
SN: Because he cheated in wall ball. He tried to say I had to stand against the wall and get pegged when clearly I was way faster than that. So I pushed him and mid swing Sister Theresa grabbed me. Whatever, the kid was known as a pussy the rest of his school years…serves him right. Don’t cheat.
JR: So how many other manhood’s have you destroyed?
SN: A few.
JR: Do tell.
SN: One time, in 7th grade, I jacked a kid up against the lockers. In high school, there was a bet who could sleep with me, a guy lied and I confronted him in front of the football team and asked if his p**** was okay. I got kicked out of a fantasy football league for “being too mean.” I take sports competition to a whole different level. Oh, when I was 15, a boy grabbed my butt and I upper cut him off the back of a pick-up truck… that was fun.
JR: You owned an entire fantasy football league?
SN: I was undefeated and they booted me… the f***tards.
JR: Ever been kicked out of a Philly sporting event?
SN: I am proud to say: NO! I almost got booted from Yankee Stadium for yelling inappropriate things to Kate Hudson (who dated Alex Rodriguez at the time).
JR: Like what?
SN: Get them bleeps ready… I told her “your BLEEP smells like dirty old BLEEP” and “you BLEEP a BLEEP.” I may have said something about her mom, I don’t remember.
JR: If you were going to get tossed from a game, how would you do it?
SN: I would totally have to streak across the field in thigh-high red Phillies boots. And I better get tased.
JR: Who would you hide behind?
SN: Ryan effing Howard, duh. Although, Chooch would definitely defend me, Howard would just strike out.
JR: Okay, so…
SN: Holy s***, I drank an entire bottle of wine and I want more! F*** do I go to the wine cellar?
JR: I have some sangria in my fridge.
SN: I had sangria last night and my girlfriend spilled it all over my lap at the place we were eating at. I had an audience and my girls were embarrassed so I screamed “who wants to suck the alcohol out of my pants,” and everyone shut up.
JR: Anyone volunteer to suck the alcohol out of your pants?
SN: I think the waiter came in his pants. He was about 17 or 18.
JR: So one of your old Twitter names was @NannyTata. Where did that name come from?
SN: There’s no sugar coating the explanation. I have incredible real tits that have given me a nickname of “Tats” or “tatas” because…well, they’re perfect
JR: …That they are… oops, inner thoughts.
SN: It’s okay. As a nanny and having the name “Tiffany” many young children who are first learning their “f” and “t” sounds, pronounced my name “Titty” or “Tits” so this has also been a joke my friends use in my presence. Even my old basketball coach used to call me Tats but it had absolutely nothing to do with my…wait…did it?
SN: I ALWAYS wear Phillies on my tata’s (t-shirts) on game days.
JR: Favorite Phillies apparel?
SN: I love wearing “World Phuckin’ Champs” as much as I can: supermarkets, the gym, softball… I made my dad wear it to a playoff game and they made him turn it inside out. He called me and was like “your asshole shirt isn’t allowed.”
JR: And with that, I will conclude the first segment of the Nanny Sessions. Tiffany, thank you. Anything you want to add?
SN: The Phantastic 4 and Tiffy’s Tata’s will see you in the World Series