Christmas Buying Guide for MLB Players

Oh I am in a Christmassy mood. It must be because feeling kinda Christmassy or it must be that time of year again. If you could buy your favorite Major League Baseball players something for Christmas, what would you buy? After a lot of careful scientifical research and some loose thoughts running wild, here is a list as to what I would buy selected MLB players for the holidays.

Roy Halladay (Philadelphia Phillies Ace 1): A small nation in the South Pacific, Eastern Bloc, or South Atlantic

I would buy Roy Halladay a country. That’s right, a country. Why a country? Halladay already owns everything except a World Series ring. And you can’t buy a World Series ring…. wait never mind, the Yankees proved you could. But I digress. So I would buy the reigning NL Cy Young winner a country. He already leads a team, in the Phillies, and commands a nation (the Phillies Nation). So what better gift than a small country. I’m thinking something in the Eastern Bloc, like Crimea or maybe Latvia or Estonia. Hell, maybe not even a small country, I might just go for broke and buy him Russia; seeing as his eyesight is so good he can see Russia from his house….in FLORIDA.

Kyle Kendrick (bag of baseballs the Phillies run out every fifth day): Pitching for Dummies and MLB 10: The Show for PS3

For those of you don’t know one of my favorite players is Kyle Kendrick. Don’t ask, long story that I am saving for another time. Since he has some “issues” with pitching “consistently” I would buy him Pitching for Dummies (if they actually make that book). He could learn a thing from it: consistency. Consistency of the paper, that is. As a stocking stuffer, I’d buy him MLB 10: The Show for PlayStation 3. Why? That way he can see how much virtual KK is better than real life KK.

Joe Blanton (Pitcher for the Phillies) and CC Sabathia (Ace for the Yankees): A restaurant/fast food chain/IHOP and maybe weight watchers

“Oh wow Bmac, fat jokes, really? Come on you’re better than that!” Yeah but I only speak the truth! That is what I get both Blanton and Sabathia; some form of food empire to manage/eat at. Both are big guys, so both have mighty appetites. So why not buy them both a food empire to eat at/manage. And as a stocking stuff I’d give CC a five-year membership to Weight Watchers. 310 pounds at 6’7” CC? Damn son. Blanton not so much, I think he is more just a big guy. But CC? Oh definitely the Weight Watchers.

Danys Baez (Overpaid reliever for the Phillies): One way ticket back to Cuba.

He can take his almost 5+ Career ERA and almost 2+ Career WHIP with him. He can go back and dominate Cuban ball, but his days of dominating MLB hitters (if he even did that) has past him. I mean come on Danys, you can’t win when you get two outs and then allow 4 runs to cross before you get lifted or get the third out! That may* work in Cuba, but not here in the States.

*Sidenote: yes… okay that MAY work when your leading by six. But I’m just saying.

Jayson Werth (Outfielder for the Nationals): A box of tissues for his issues

I buy Jayson Werth, the newest National, a box of tissues. No not because I’m cheap, well okay yes I am, but because of all the crying he will be doing when Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels, and maybe Kendrick strike his ass out. Not only that, the tissues will come in handy for when he is also crying his eyes out at home; which is where his butt will be come every October of his seven year, eleventh billion dollar contract. There’s no crying in baseball, unless Roy Halladay is pitching and you’re a Met or Yankee… or Jayson Werth.

Brian Wilson (Closer for the San Fran Giants): An electric or straight razor

I don’t fear that beard. Hell, I’m more afraid of him blowing a bomb up than him dropping a slider on 3-2 with two outs and the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth of Game 6 of the NLCS. That beard is hideous and it makes him look like terrorist. Rumor has it that he has been through the new TSA pat down several times because of the beard and suspiciousness of it. Rumor also has it that he liked it, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I’d buy him a razor. Dude, you have to shave the beard, if you do, I may buy you a beer (probably not). I’m sorry, Brian Wilson… but Roy Halladay’s beard is better than yours. Also, Roy Halladay doesn’t fear Brian Wilson’s beard. Brian Wilson’s Beard fears Roy Halladay.

Logan Morrison (Marlins OF and somehow a Philly fan favorite): A “Facebroke” shirt from the ZooWithRoy T-Shirt shop

Logan Morrison, the Malrins left fielder and somehow a Philly fan favorite. How that is, I don’t know. But I do know that I would buy him a “Facebroke” shirt. Why? Because he will face broken by the end of the season from facing Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, and Hamels (maybe Kendrick too, doubt though). It is said that for a person to be canonized for sainthood by the Catholic church, proof of at least one miracle needs to be established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten as much as a foul-tip off of a Roy Halladay pitch – and it may never be achieved. Now imagine trying to do that against the other three (and Kendrick). Yeah… thought so. LoMo will be using Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” as his walk up music because it is actually a song to give hope to all those who face Roy Halladay. Needless to say, the song is lying.

David Wright (New York Mets Third Baseman): shorter fences and some legal “Testosterone”

Since no one can hit a homer in Bailout Bank… I mean CITI Field. I would buy David Wright some shorter fences or some legal Testosterone because he can’t hit a homer in this park. I mean, if I can hit one [A home run] in MLB 10: The Show, what makes you think it’s possible to it in real life. Unless you’re Chase Utley and hit it into his corner out in right center. Either that or I’d buy him some legal “stuff” to help him hit something, cause he hits like a pu…. I mean woman.

Johan Santana (Mets Ace and resident sad-sack): A better offense/better team

And finally we come to our final MLB player on my list: Mets Ace and resident sad-sack, Johan Santana. I’d buy Johan some offense…. CORRECTION a BETTER offense than what he has now. I kind of feel sorry for the guy. He has a lousy offense and plays for a lousy New York team (not the Bronx team either). I mean I thought if Pittsburgh was baseball Hell then Washington and the New York (Mets) must be baseball Purgatory. With a better team he could pitch like the ace he is without worrying about run support. Then again… I do like to laugh at the Mets.

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