Non-Phillies: ESPN Spoofs a Manny Press Conference

This was written by DJ Gallo of “ESPN Magazine.” I thought this was absolutley hilarious!

I am Manny, hear me roar!

Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has spoken with Manny Ramirez. Now he wants the disgraced slugger to speak to the team.

Turns out it already happened — and Page 2 was able to receive the exclusive transcript of Ramirez’s address.

(Scene: Dodgers clubhouse)

Frank McCourt: “Gentlemen, I know we’re all still kind of reeling over the recent news. So I have asked Manny here today to speak to the team. Manny, the floor is yours.”

Manny Ramirez: “Thanks, boss. I’m not used to giving speeches. So I looked on the Internet for tips and they said I should start with a joke to loosen up the audience. OK? You ready? What is Manny Ramirez’s new nickname?”

Juan Pierre: “Womanny Ramirez.”

Andre Ethier: “Ma’am Ram.”

Joe Torre: “That’s just mammaries being mammaries.”

Ramirez: “So you’ve heard most of them already.”

Russell Martin: “We have. We even thought up many of them ourselves.”

James Loney: “Some long before this news came out, actually.”

Ramirez: “I see. OK, let me try another one. A priest, a rabbi and Manny Ramirez walk into a bar.”

Torre: “Just a second, Manny. I don’t mean to interrupt. But do you mind if I record all of this?”

Ramirez: “Umm, I guess not. Why?”

Torre: “Oh, you know. In case I would, say … write a book about my Dodgers years or something. Not that I have any plans to do that, of course, guys. What is said inside the clubhouse stays inside the clubhouse. That’s an unwritten rule of baseball, am I right? But when I write the book, I don’t want to misquote you.”

Ramirez: “Sure. Whatever.”

Torre: “Fantastic. OK, let me press ‘record’ … and continue. Oh, and feel free to talk #$%^ about A-Rod, if you’d like. Readers eat that stuff up.”

Ramirez: “OK, where was I?”

Chad Billingsley: “A priest, a rabbi and Manny Ramirez were walking into a bar…”



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